Maybe It Is Finally Coming Together

I do not often talk to my brother on the phone (even though I love and adore him.) I talked to him just for a few minutes last night and found myself blurting out that I am having a mid life crisis. My mid life crisis is that I am evaluating my priorities in an effort to change them if they do not serve me. But I’m also dramatic and like the idea of a mid life crisis. I mean I’m turning 40 this year so it is certainly time to have a mid life crisis!

I have been working, working, working. I spent most of last weekend – both days – working. Then I spent most of the previous weekend working. I have a lot of stress around work. But things are also very much coming together. It is exciting. I find myself however unable to focus or put energy into other things.

Spencer found a blog called “Hands Free Mama.” It is about the author’s transition from a busy, busy person who had no time for her loved ones, always busy and always on electronics. Her transition was to “hands free” without electronics and one that has time and puts her energy into the things that matter.

I suppose that my difficulty is that I love work but I question whether or not it matters. I do not have to be so all or nothing. Work can matter. But I could also get other things to matter.

Next Steps

I have been doing yoga and sometimes meditation at home on a pretty regular basis. Sometimes it is 45-60 minutes but often it is just 20-30 minutes. The main goal is to help me calm down. And it’s working pretty well. I feel a lot better on a daily basis.

I also need to get more cardio exercise though. I need to set some goals about the number of times to get cardio exercise during the week.

It has become apparently clear to me why I do not get more exercise. It is because exercise forces me to deal with my emotions and it feels to me that stuffing them down – by eating and / or not moving – makes me feel better. Therefore this is harder than I expected because I seem to have a really good reason – at least I think so – for my lack of exercise. This is what I am going to have to combat if I want to be healthier and feel better.

What I’ve Been Up To

It’s been a while since I posted. But I have still been plugging along. 

At the beginning of this Happiness Project, I decided that my goal would be to take this project day by day with my barometer of success being whether or not I felt calm and happy on a daily basis. This is versus the alternative of setting concrete targets for how many times I should do yoga per week, etc. I haven’t found the latter to be very successful for me.

In the weeks that I haven’t written, I have definitely been side tracked by stress over work. But I have been doing yoga even just for ten minutes almost every day. Sure I slipped a few times but overall I feel much happier and calmer.

I just did 40 minutes of pretty challenging yoga. It brought up a lot of emotions for me. This is actually relevant to the previous post that I wrote on Feb 2 – two weeks ago – regarding dealing with my emotions. As I mentioned in that post, it might be easier not to deal with my emotions and instead stuff them down. It is definitely easier in the short term but very dangerous in the long term.

I am worried about a work situation. I’m recognizing, however, that I am always worried about a work situation. The emotions seem to be stemming from something very deep rather than the actual work situation itself. It all goes back to my father. I needed to control the situation, to prevent people (my dad) from making poor decisions that would effect me and my siblings. And I have a serious fear of confict — that someone will be mad at me and I won’t be able to fix it. 

Yowzers. This makes me want to listen to three songs — the two original songs on Glee and Mean by Taylor Swift.

PS: I have also been listening to more music including in the morning as I get ready for my day. It helps relax me a lot.

I Now Understand Why

For the past year or so, I have thought about taking one last serious attempt at trying to lose weight. My sense of lack of time has to do with the fact that I am getting older. I have tried to lose weight for many, many years, and I figure that at some point I have to recognize that I am either going to do it or it just is not going to happen in my lifetime.

Because I have been thinking seriously about why I have not been able to lose weight, I have recognized that eating may make me happier because stuffing myself numbs my emotions. Last night was an example. I got upset. I sat down to meditate to deal with it and I cried. And crying – which I usually love and am a believer in – was uncomfortable.

The choice here is whether fitness will make me be happier or ignoring my emotions will make me happier. Now that I wrote that, I know the answer.

Nothing is really easy.

Pushing Myself

I feel much happier and more relaxed than when I started this initiative. But I still have too many stressful moments. I think it might be possible to feel much different but I think in some ways I lost hope that I could find that. So… my goal here is to find out if I can reach another plane of relaxation and therefore happiness. Hmm… I said that I wanted to be happier but mostly I mean relaxed which equals happier. There are things though that I want to do like make new friends that will not necessarily lead to being more relaxed. Hmm… okay so let’s see… maybe the initial goal should be to be more relaxed. And then the next goal can be to be happier beyond being more relaxed. That is what I am thinking right now. I might change my mind. We’ll see…

The Stuff I Do Not Want To Admit

Today was just a day, neither great nor bad. But I realized two things today.

I can definitely feel better. And I want to find out if deleting sugar and flour from my diet makes me feel better. This isn’t what I do not want to admit.

What I do not want to admit is that I am a workaholic. All I want to do is work. I do not know what to do when I am not working. I love to work. But I am afraid that I am going to wake up when I am 80 and realize that I have wasted my life on work. So I need to deal with it. But I am not quite yet sure what to do about it.